What I feel is just so sh*t!

I wish everybody can just ignore me. My emotion is just not fcking right. Right...I've broke my 'rule of words'. Who damn care about it? It's my fcking life that I am leading now. No one else. Studies aren't doing good to me either. Tests outcome turned out horrible than I expect. I tried my very best, and what I've got?A demoralised mark for each test I received. Sheesh. What fcking brain do I have now? @#%#@^

I know I just have to perservere for like few WEEKS or 70++ days towards O lvl. But heck, I feel demoralised everytime I've got bck any of my test results..I wonder to myself sometimes," Do I really have the stand to seat for this O lvl??" It always shoot into my mind. FCK!! I don't know. Who else I am gonna prove to? I felt that almost all of my loved ones are gone. No one for me to prove to.

Yes, I am feeling fcking downcast now. It has reach to the highest point already. I miss granny. I miss granddad. If they were here, I am sure they will confide me and advice me everything they could to pull me up again. Parents are just being there only to see my damn GOOD grades. Not the verbal support that I need. But I still appreciate their every small detailed support they gave. It's not easy for them to understand me,indeed.

I want to cry,but I can't. I want to sleep as I am tired, but I couldn't. I want to joke,but I can't squeeze out any joke/crap. I want to smile, but I am faking it. I want to forget him, but I just can't do so in this short period. I want people to understand me,but they misunderstood me instead. I want to be strong, but yet, I am still weak and tangled. I want to laugh, but I was crying. I want to succeed, but I ended up fail.

Hence, what I can conclude is, I have fail to achieve my target/aim for this week. What a failure! I am supposed to be asleep as the time is early morning already. But I couldn't. Like I've said before. I don't know if I could wake up for sahur in a few hrs latr. And also for sch.

I am angry at myself,but for what reason?