she's gone from me.
Monday, October 27, 2008 / 11:34 am
On 23 of October 2008. 23 Syawal. Thursday. A day that will always be remembered vividly in my mind. I've just lost a grandmother whom I dearly loved. She had passed away at the time of 0541hrs on 23rd of October to be precise. She is,was, the one that had taken care of me since I was baby when parents goes to work. I am too close to her that I am shock of her left in this world. Her leaving has cause a great impact on me.
Early in the morning, mum gave news that she wanna visit grans at hospital.And don't allowed me to tag along. I start to have uneasy feeling. Afta my Subuh,I recieved a called from mum that I don't have to attend school as grandmother had just passed away. After recieved that piece of bad news, the first thing my mind said was" This can't be true! It must be a biggest mistake of news!! Where is she? I wanna talk to her now and listen to her voice!!!" And soon, tears keep on drooling down. And the feeling of her lost really has made a big impact on me. I feel that it was just a horrible shit nightmare that was trap in my sleep. Called Nzm. And he gave me the big support as a bestfriend. I feel so lost that I don't know what is my next step. Rushed off to her house. It feels different. And for the third time, Mum saw me cry again. I neva show my tears to anyone before even to parents. Granny knows why.
When she reached home, I kissed her face alot. She feels different. She is very cold. Even my warmest kiss won't make her warm back. I do anything to make her 'feel' happy now. When I kissed her, I can sense that she is happy and 'contented' now after her 64 yrs of living in this world. I know that she is happy and had gone through many things during her living. When I seat beside her, I keep on saying in heart that, that isn't her. That is a different person and she is still alive.And that she is just having a lil nap before talking back to me. I wish that isn't her that was lying on the bed and covered with the white cloths. I did many 'good' stuffs for her that day. I follow her to kubor and I try my best on not to cry my ass off. Nzm has been a great friend for giving me back the spirit. But I know that I am not strong. Tears keep on rolling down. And I know I am tired of it. But the feeling is too strong for me to overcome. The only thing I can do is to give prayers to her. Her leaving has really made a huge impact in me.
That day too, I slept her house. It feels different. Her voice is still clear in my mind. Her laughter, her smile, her voice, her scent, her advices,her face and many more, is still clear in my mind. All her everything is very clear. EVERYTHING. I am not exagerating the incident. I am stating the fact. I just wish I have another precious moments together with her again. I slept unpeaceful actually. I keep on wake up and look at the room of hers. I know it won't bring her come back to me again. Even if I cried with a tears of blood. I know that.
The past few days were spent at her house and try to clean up the messes as to enlighten up my grandfather's chores. I do the very best in keeping my spirits high. But the smile will always goes upside down. My aunt know that I am very down and sad. She wanted me to go out with her. But I feel reluctant to do so. But she wants to cheer me up. So, I finally decided on going along. She says that she is glad to see me smile again. I am too. But I know that the smiles I've put up for her are all fake! I am not happy at all. Not saying that I want it that way. But I am just so sad. I know life has to carry on no matter what. She wants to help me. But I am selfish to her. How cruel am I to do that?? But I don't want to do so. I just can't help it.
Parent did their best too. I know they are. They keep on insisting me to go outdoors and not being at home. They even bring me to Expo just for the sake of fun. I try to put on smiles for them. I really did. But my heart doesn't feel light at all. I know Nzm wants me to be strong. In fact everyone wants me to. And I know I have to. Now, this has teach me a lesson that is valuable to me. "Cherish the one you loved before they are gone." I know I can't always rely on someone else included Nzm. I don't wanna be selfish and only think abt my own feelings and not othas. I am not like that.
Only some friends know abt this. I hope they will understands my situation now. I hope they won't be too concern alot. Cause I hate the sympathy that is over limit. It is just so annoying. It makes me feel like I am a pathetic friend. But I hope that when I need the support or helping hand, they will be glad to do so. That is much appreciated by me. For the past few days has been too cloudy for my day. Each morning will be a teary day and i will start on crying. Trying to avoid that so that parents won't find out abt it.
I am glad that my N levels have gone when this stuff happens. Otherwise, I don't think I can manage to handle this situation on my own and the feeling will be lifeless and helpless. Like a newborn baby. I don't think I can overcome or cope it well. I really can think straight for sure. And I don't want it to happen eventhough this stuffs had been WRITTEN by Allah. I hope that she rest in peace.
I will always love her and missed her. I hope that her spirit rest in peace.
Ya Allah, ampunilah dosa dosa nya semasa di dunia dan tempatilah dia di golongan org yg beriman dan solehah di sisiMu. Insya Allah. Amin.
" Forget the past. Think about the present. Just plan about the future."-Nzm.
Thanks everyone. thanks for trying to cheer me up. Thanks a million,Nzm
Syafiqah
20First
Lil missy @ NP
Ignorant,NOT arrogant
Imma laughing box :B
I don't get easily impressed.
Staying strong and high
So be nice,cause I bite.
WiseWords
Happiness last longer than sadness.
Tomorrow is a new day.
Cherish your loved ones before too late.
Things last longer when U least expect it.
Pain makes U become stronger.
Always plan nothing
Smile is another way to show love.
Always expect nothing
Obstacles made u stronger in long run.
Don't judge the person by the story U heard.
Laughter is the smile that burst
